Why Highly Sensitive People Often Feel Overwhelmed — and What Actually Helps
Discover the art of parenting your inner child
Photo by ketan rajput on Unsplash
There’s a kind of understanding that only shows up with time. You can’t download it. You can’t rush it. It comes from years of pushing yourself to fit, wondering why life feels harder than it seems to others, and slowly realizing that the problem was never about effort or intelligence. It was a mismatch between who you are and how you were taught to operate.
Looking back over more than sixty-four years, the real work for me wasn’t becoming tougher or less sensitive. It was learning how to work with my nervous system instead of fighting it. Once that relationship changed, my experience of work, relationships, and even conflict began to shift in measurable ways.
If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Many highly sensitive people grow up believing they’re flawed, fragile, or somehow behind. By the end of this article, I hope that you’ll understand why that belief is wrong.
With that, you’ll be better equipped to get along with yourself in case you’re like most of us; you say things to yourself you wouldn’t let others tell you.
In my experience, when that relationship improves, the rest of the world becomes easier to navigate as well.
Understanding highly sensitive humans
Many of us who identify as Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) grew up believing something was wrong with us. We heard they were “too emotional,” “too slow,” or “too intense.”
For me, it was, “Grow up,” and “Don’t be so immature.” The words used to cut me like a knife. The good news is, I was blessed with great parents and a childhood, even though I had to navigate a few gene-pool riptides, like most of us.
A psychologist’s perspective
Here’s the deal. Over time, messages like this don’t fade. In the worst-case scenarios, they became internal voices. In Chapter 3 of The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron explains that healing often begins when the “adult self” learns to listen to the inner child instead of overriding it.
Psychologists often describe three functional ego states operating within each of us.
The child state carries emotion, instinct, and unmet needs shaped early in life.
The parent state carries internalized rules, expectations, and learned judgments, often borrowed from authority figures.
The adult state is the regulator. It interprets reality, evaluates options, and decides how to respond in the present.
Problems arise when the parent state exerts pressure or criticism, and the child state reacts with overwhelm or withdrawal. Healing begins when the adult state steps in, not to silence either one, but to listen, interpret, and respond with discernment.
As a parent for nearly forty years, I’ve learned a lot. The following quote resonated with me as soon as I saw it:
“The main task of the parent part of the psyche is to protect the child, not to push or shame it into performing.” — Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person
We’re born this way
Aron’s is not symbolic language for its own sake. She is describing a nervous system shaped early in life. Roughly 15–20% of people are born with heightened sensitivity to stimulation.
This trait is biological, not learned.
I remember the agony of feeling “unseen” and “unheard,” while my sister and brother saw much of our childhood in a different light. That’s typical for siblings. After all, each of us is different.
When the environment, such as the home, does not support that sensitivity, the child adapts by suppressing needs. The cost often appears later as anxiety, burnout, people-pleasing, or chronic self-doubt.
The inner child of an HSP carries clear messages. When we ignore or block those messages, the nervous system stays on alert. When we observe, feel, honor, and process these teachers, the inner child settles.
What follows is not self-indulgence. It is learning self-regulation.
Ask your inner child, be still, and listen
Here is what that inner child is often asking for — and why it matters in adult life, work, and relationships. I’ve extracted these insights from Aron’s book, and I suggest you read it if you see yourself as a highly sensitive person easily prone to burnout.
Suggestion: Observe yourself, be conscious of your breathing, relax, and notice what you feel as you read the following attributes of your inner child. Imagine your inner child is talking to your parent and a rational adult. (As a parent, you can also be aware of these attributes when raising your children.)
The sensitive child asks for protection from overstimulation. Loud noise, rushed schedules, conflict, and constant demands overload the HSP’s nervous system faster than average. Without protection, the body remains in a state of fight-or-flight. Over time, this leads to exhaustion, irritability, and emotional shutdown.
The child asks for rest without guilt. HSPs process information deeply. That depth requires recovery time. Rest is not laziness; it is neurological maintenance. When we deny ourselves sufficient rest, performance drops and health suffers.
The child asks for gentleness around strong emotions. Criticism, anger, or rejection can feel overwhelming, even when unintended. The sensitive nervous system reacts more intensely. Emotional safety is not a preference — it is a requirement for consistent functioning.
The child asks not to be shamed for feeling deeply. Sensitivity increases empathy, creativity, and moral awareness. When we label feelings as weakness, the HSP learns to mistrust their own experience and instincts. (Our culture shames feelings, especially at work.)
The child asks for time to think. HSPs often reflect before acting. In fast-paced cultures, this is mistaken for hesitation. In reality, it is careful decision-making. Rushing an HSP frequently leads to poorer outcomes, not better ones.
The child asks not to be compared to others. (Like on all social media!) A different nervous system needs different strategies. Comparison to less sensitive people creates unrealistic expectations and fuels unnecessary self-criticism.
The child asks for trust in subtle awareness. HSPs notice details others miss — tone changes, environmental shifts, emotional undercurrents. This sensitivity often prevents problems from escalating, especially in leadership and relationship contexts.
These needs do not disappear in adulthood. They show up at work, in families, and in how people respond to pressure. Burnout often occurs not because HSPs are doing too little, but because they are doing too much without the conditions they require to recover.
The child asks for kinder self-talk. Internal criticism hits HSPs harder because the brain processes it similarly to an external threat. Harsh inner language increases stress rather than motivation.
The child asks for emotional safety to perform well. Research shows that HSPs thrive in supportive environments and underperform in harsh ones. HSPs are not fragile; they are highly responsive to their environment.
The child asks for permission to withdraw when needed. Pulling back is how the nervous system resets. It is recovery, not avoidance.
The child asks for respect for intuition. HSPs often integrate information unconsciously and arrive at accurate “gut” feelings. These insights may not be immediate, but they are frequently reliable.
Finally, the child asks for advocacy. Many HSPs did not have someone protecting their limits early in life. As adults, they must learn to do that themselves by setting boundaries, choosing environments wisely, and saying no without apology.
Become more aware of your feelings
Aron’s message is direct: ignoring sensitivity does not make it go away. Instead, pay attention, direct your awareness to feel everything within you.
Ignoring or numbing feelings only drives them underground, where they surface as stress, resentment, and self-blame. What actually helps is not pushing harder, but aligning behavior with biology.
When the adult self responds with protection instead of pressure, the nervous system calms. From that place, clarity improves, energy returns, and sustainable success becomes possible.
In closing, ask yourself two questions. Which of these needs did you learn to ignore? And what would change if you stopped?
I’m an author, photographer, visual artist, and mentor. Discover the power of the Clarity S.H.I.F.T. Method® for improving yourself, your career, business, and life at www.CliffordJones.com.