The Most Important Goal of All Isn't Happiness
It's Joy. Here's the Why and How.
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I love Rollo May's work. He was a legendary and well-respected psychologist who, in 1953, wrote Man’s Search for Himself. I finished reading it for the third time and was compelled to share more of what I learned.
We Keep Missing the Mark
In the 1950s, far before the days of social media, long after witch hunts, and during McCarthyism, also known as the Second Red Scare, we learned how lonely, anxious, and clinically depressed we were.
It might seem not much has changed.
Millions of us are still searching for what we were missing back then. And it’s been this way since we moved into the Industrial Age.
It’s only gotten worse since then. As a kid growing up in the '60s and '70s, I vaguely remember the political repression and persecution of radical left-wing and a campaign spreading fear of communist and Soviet espionage in the United States during the late 1940s through the 1950s.
Sound familiar?
We keep repeating the same mistakes. But maybe there’s a way to find joy despite the seeming mess we make of things.
Here’s a quote from Man’s Search for Himself about the state of affairs back then:
“Joy, rather than happiness, is the goal of life, for joy is the motion which accompanies our fulfilling our natures as human beings. It is based on the experience of one’s identity as being of worth and dignity, who is able to affirm his being, if need be, against all other beings and the whole inorganic world. This power in its ideal form is shown in the life of Socrates, who was so confident in himself and his values that he could take his being condemned to death not as a defeat but as a greater fulfillment than compromising his beliefs. But we do not wish to imply such joy is only for the heroic and the outstanding; it is as present qualitatively in anyone’s act, no matter how inconspicuous, which is done as an honest and responsible expression of his own powers.”
Look for Similarities
Again, do you see the similarities? If so, what are they? How can you find joy as you become aware of what you see in yourself and the world?
In other words, there is a way to live joyfully regardless of what's happening around you. We know this is true because we know people who do it.
One of the first ways to live in joy is to become aware of one's attachment to happiness. Attachments suck. Let them go.
The second way to know this is by learning that happiness is not joy. Here are the key distinctions:
Happiness is often linked to external circumstances and positive assessments from others, resulting in favorable conditions and satisfaction with one's present state.
In contrast, joy is a deeper, more enduring emotion that arises from within and is connected to a sense of purpose, meaning, and the acceptance of both positive and negative aspects of life.
While happiness is typically seen as the absence of discord and is associated with relaxation and contentment, joy involves embracing discord as a basis for higher harmonies and is linked to feelings of awe, wonderment, and new possibilities.
While happiness tends to be temporary and tied to specific moments or achievements, joy is more enduring and can persist even in the face of suffering, as it is tied to a broader sense of life's meaning and personal growth.
While happiness is fleeting and often externally influenced, joy is a profound and enduring emotion rooted in meaning, purpose, and the acceptance of life's full spectrum of experiences.
Even if the 50s and 60s seem like ancient history, look around and observe the similarities that May addressed when he was in his prime with a thriving clinical practice.
There was a pervasive sense of anxiety and the existential crises faced by individuals in the 1950s.
May observed that many people felt disconnected, directionless, and searching for meaning in a rapidly changing world.
May believed that this existential anxiety was a natural response to the cultural and societal pressures of the time, including the emphasis on conformity, materialism, and the fear of nuclear war.
In the 1950s, several major social and political events shaped American society, including:
The Cold War: Heightened tensions between the United States and the Soviet Union created a pervasive fear of nuclear conflict. Today, the Doomsday Clock looks bad, really bad. All it takes is one fool, and there are many.
The Civil Rights Movement: The fight for racial equality and the end of segregation was gaining momentum. We need more momentum forward, not backward.
Economic Prosperity: Post-World War II, economic growth increased consumerism and suburban expansion. Now, we buy most of the stuff we don’t need and can’t afford on Amazon or Temy, and we wonder why the planet is trashed with plastic.
Cultural Conformity: There was a strong societal push towards conformity and traditional family values, often at the expense of individual expression. Today, look at the bullshit conformity taking place. None of us were born equally unless we were cloned.
Today’s events may seem worse than events of the past, but the truth is, the world is better by at least these three measures:
Advances in Technology and Communication: The development of the internet, broadband, and mobile phones has revolutionized how we communicate, access information, and conduct business.
Medical and Scientific Progress: Breakthroughs such as DNA testing and sequencing, human genome mapping, and the invention of MRI have significantly improved diagnostic capabilities and treatment options, leading to better health outcomes and increased life expectancy.
Improved Quality of Life: Innovations such as computers, smartphones, and microwave ovens have made daily tasks easier and more efficient, enhancing overall quality of life. Additionally, economic growth and technological advancements have led to higher living standards.
What We’re Missing
Humans have the most beautiful gift of any animal: self-awareness. We have the power of the human brain and mind. The more self-aware we become, the easier for us to be “comfortable in our own skin.”
Rollo May would likely argue that a fundamental ailment of all humans is the lack of genuine connection to our inner selves and a true appreciation of life's full spectrum, including its agonies.
He believed joy arises from authentic engagement with our talents, understanding, and the totality of our being directed toward meaningful aims. It certainly doesn’t lie in canceling ourselves or one another.
We can lose the masks we wear only when we find ourselves. We find ourselves by searching within and reading amazing books about how the human mind works sure helps. That’s how we find joy and learn to get along with others well.
For example, if you act more “Christian” when you go to Bible study than when you hang out with your better half at home in your boxer shorts, why the difference?
Or, if you behave differently when you go to work than when you play Pickleball, how come?
Who is the real you?
Finding the real you and BEING YOURSELF is the way to live joyfully.
In closing, I'm sorry if you’re suffering. I have many dear friends who are struggling to regain their health. (I’m not praying or calling you enough!)
May suggested that joy is not merely the absence of discomfort but a deeper state that emerges from accepting and integrating life's difficulties.
Genuine joy, he posited, comes from the ability to "let go" and open up to the entirety of our experiences rather than seeking mere contentment or fleeing from challenges.
Let go and let your God show you the way to live in joy.
Clifford Jones is the founder and managing partner of Clarity Strategic Coaching, LLC. He serves conscious, coachable company founders and leaders as a strategic coach, revenue builder, and creative consultant. He is also a family man, writer, visual artist, and mental health advocate. Learn more at www.CliffordJones.com.