Not OK? Learn How to Shift Into a Higher Gear of Consciousness
Discover a powerful psychology principle that changed my life
- Open Road, one of my photographs, was edited into a digital painting.
Sometimes, even when life gives you everything you need to be happy, you still feel like something’s wrong.
That was me. I had loving parents, a good education, and big opportunities. Later in life, I had a beautiful family and a successful business.
But for years, I walked around feeling like I was broken. It was as if I were damaged goods.
It was as if the world wasn’t OK
And because of that, I wasn’t OK either.
My story is about discovering that not being OK was the first step toward becoming truly OK. Hopefully, you’ll figure out this crucial life lesson long before I did.
After all, you are an artist and here to create the life of your dreams despite all the distractions.
All it takes is believing so.
I had just graduated from college
I was madly in love with my college girlfriend, Janice. That meant I commuted from my job as a Pennsylvania farmhand to spend time with Janice on weekends.
My job then was digging fence poles for $3.50 an hour. Because of that, I dreamed all day long of how to get the hell off that farm, get a better, higher-paying job, marry my college sweetheart, and prove I was worthy of success.
My life was tragically beautiful, and the little boy in me wanted desperately to prove to the world that I could be someone.
However, I had much to learn before fully courting, dating, proposing, and marrying Janice. I had to grow up.
I had to learn to understand, befriend, and tame the trash-talking ghosts in my head.
Come to the Villanova, Pa., library with me
I was visiting Janice for a long weekend and stumbled upon the Villanova, Pennsylvania, library. I've always been insatiably curious and enjoy reading non-fiction, self-help, and spiritual books.
That’s where I found a copy of Thomas A. Harris's "I’m OK—You’re OK." It’s one of the books that changed my life and continues to help me daily.
The title hit me hard
It was as if Harris wrote the book for me. Maybe the Universe wasn’t so bad after all.
I desperately wanted to know how to feel OK instead of like an immature, naive, broken, scrawny kid who needed a big brother to help him punch through life.
My answer was sitting on the shelf. Tom Harris was a psychiatrist and author best known for his groundbreaking book I’m OK—You’re OK.
Published in 1967, Dr. Harris spent his career helping people heal emotional wounds by teaching them that they could change how they thought, felt, and lived, starting with the belief that they are okay.
The book changed my way of seeing myself
When I borrowed, I’m OK — You’re OK, I didn’t just read it. I devoured it. Several times, I read it cover to cover, desperate to figure out why I still felt so messed up inside, even though I had so much going for me.
Harris introduced a concept called Transactional Analysis, and it opened my eyes. He explained that we all have different aspects within us that manifest every day, often without us even realizing it.
These parts are the Parent, Adult, and Child. As I kept reading, it finally made sense why I had struggled so much through my teenage years and early adulthood.
I grew up blessed with loving parents, good friends, and strong values. But inside, I carried a scared little kid who believed old lies like:
“You’re too skinny.” “You’re immature.” “You’re not good enough.”
Whenever I made a mistake, my Critical Parent voice slams me. The result was always self-induced guilt and shame. My Child would feel even smaller. My Adult, the logical part of me, barely had a chance to catch up.
I wanted to “grow up” instead of being called immature.
It was a war going on inside my head
Sound familiar? Once I understood how these parts worked, I realized it wasn’t just me. It’s how we are wired.
Here’s what we look like when we peel back the layers of our self-view:
Once I could see these different parts working inside me, I started learning how to quiet the Critical Parent, heal the scared Child, and listen more to the well-balanced, rational Adult part of me.
We can change the way we see the world
All we need to do is change how we see and treat ourselves. This shift toward heightened self-awareness gives us the most straightforward and powerful psychological concepts for transforming our lives.
The biggest thing I learned from that little book was that you don’t have to feel OK to be OK.
Feeling not-okay is part of life. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It just means you’re human.
That perspective changed everything
I started practicing a new way of thinking. After a few decades of practice, my life underwent a profound quality leap. It’s one of the reasons I love sharing this story: once we see ourselves differently, everything changes.
When I felt scared, anxious, or ashamed, I would stop and tell myself, “Hey, it’s OK to feel this way. You’re OK.”
It also helps that I married a saint named Janice, and she has always had a knack for calming my busy mind by hugging me in my worst moments and saying, “Don’t worry, Cliff. It’s all okay. Everything’s okay. You’re okay. You always find a way to work things out.”
That’s how you feel OK when you don’t
Permit yourself. Use the parts of you that end the fight within.
When we stop fighting our feelings, they lose their power over us. Stop pretending everything is supposed to be perfect. You don’t need to be perfect to feel OK about yourself.
When you stop being scared of not being OK, you start feeling more OK.
None of us is perfect, and that’s OK
Perfection is the thief of serenity, just as comparison is the terminator of joy.
Looking back, I’m grateful I found that little book in that library. It taught me something school never did. Let me remind you to remind yourself that it's OK not to be OK sometimes.
Remember: You are always enough. You are always loved. Life gets better when we do.
If you’re feeling not OK today, anxious, scared, unsure, I want you to know:
You’re not broken, and never were.
You’re growing and making progress every day.
The feelings you're experiencing right now are a part of your journey.
It’s OK to be scared. It’s OK to feel lost. It’s OK not to know what’s next.
You’re still OK. You’re still worthy. And your best days are still ahead of you. All you need to do is start treating yourself better and believing in your God-given ability to shift your thinking into a higher gear.
Keep walking, one step at a time. Trust that even when you don't feel OK, you are learning to be.
You are OK. I’m OK. And so is the beautiful, messy world around us. If you can believe in that, you’ve shifted gears to a higher state of consciousness.
I’m a writer, visual artist, and 30-plus-year solopreneur who helps conscious solopreneurs, founders, and thought leaders build brand equity, accelerate sales, and earn six-figure incomes. Join me at www.CliffordJones.com.