How to Love What Is
A Simple Formula for Life Even When You Hate a Person, Place, or Thing
An image I captured at Salt River during sunset.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
My father taught me to say, “I love you.”
I taught my sons how to say, “I love you.”
I tell my mother, brother, sister, wife, sons, and most of my closest friends, “I love you,” when we part ways or end a call.
I just ended a phone call with a dear friend, and we both said, “I love you.” That required us to practice for over thirty years over which we’ve known each other.
That’s a beautiful thing.
The Courage to Love
I love you are three of the most powerful words we know to use.
Saying “I love you” takes courage, even though I’m unsure why there would be fear in saying these words.
Courage comes from being committed to change for the better. Creativity takes courage, according to the famous artist Henri Matisse.
Courage leads to improving your mind, opening your heart, and changing the world.
Learning to say “I love you” takes practice, especially when encountering people, places, or things that drive us up the wall.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
How do we learn to love what we hate?
Lots of practice.
How Not to Be Mad
I used to get mad a lot. One of the best ways to learn not to be mad is to learn to love what is.
Trust me; you’ll never end up in court-ordered anger management classes when you love to love it all.
Learning to love what is doesn’t mean you’ll never feel impatient, sad, mad, or too glad. Emotions are natural. Learning to process the feelings that take us away from love makes all the difference.
It’s pretty easy to lose it when we live life without love. A loveless life is a lonely one that begins by not loving ourselves. Love begins within. To get love, we must become love. After lots of practice, love will always lead. That’s the end of madness. We become love.
We practice in everyday situations. To the inconsiderate driver who cuts you off, you might say …
“I love you even though I don’t like that you cut me off. Maybe you’re having a bad day, or you are my guardian angel here to teach me radical acceptance for the seemingly stupid behavior of some drivers.”
We talk to ourselves by practicing loving what we hate. We train our minds to love all the stuff that used to make us too mad, sad, or glad, and not much in between.
Another example of what happens when love takes over is we can learn to get through the most distressing, gut-wrenching life experiences, such as a horrific accident or major illness, a devastating financial setback, or the loss of a loved one.
Love is the way to live in acceptance of all that is.
Meet Byron Katie and Her Work
"When you love what is, what is loves you." - Byron Katie
One of my favorite books is Loving What Is by Byron Katie. Through Byron’s dark night of her soul, she found the Light and love and leads her life today, teaching millions of us to “love all that is.”
One of the reasons I love the book is the simple formula for learning to love all that is.
Byron Katie, commonly known as "Byron Katie" or "BK," is an American author and speaker known for developing a self-inquiry method called "The Work."
Born on December 6, 1942, in Breckenridge, Texas, Byron Katie went through a period of intense suffering and depression in her early thirties before experiencing a transformative moment that led to the development of her unique approach to self-inquiry.
How to Love What Is
"The Work" is a process that involves questioning one's thoughts and beliefs to alleviate suffering and find inner peace. It consists of four simple questions and what BK calls "turnarounds."
By examining our thoughts and beliefs and questioning their validity, we can challenge and often release the suffering caused by them. BK’s formula for loving what is has been the foundation for me and many others to shift from within:
Identify and question your thoughts. BK emphasizes the importance of identifying the thoughts and beliefs that cause suffering. We can question their validity and explore alternative perspectives by becoming aware of these thoughts. As we learn to apply The Work in everyday situations, we learn to transform ourselves.
Apply the four questions of The Work. The core of BK's method involves asking four questions about our stressful thoughts or beliefs:
a. Is it true? - This question invites us to examine the truthfulness of our thoughts. b. Can you absolutely know that it's true? - This question encourages us to consider whether we have absolute certainty about the truth of our thought.
c. How do you react when you believe that thought? - This question helps us recognize the emotional, mental, and physical reactions that arise when we believe the thought.
d. Who would you be without the thought? - This question invites us to imagine how we would feel and experience life if we didn't have the thought.
Turn the thought around. In other words, change your mind! BK’s “turnaround technique” in The Work involves finding alternative, opposite, or reversed statements of the original thought. It helps us explore different perspectives and challenge our fixed beliefs.
Embrace reality as it is. BK emphasizes accepting and loving what is rather than resisting or struggling against reality. This involves shifting our perspective and finding gratitude for the present moment. Accepting all that is is another way of embracing life, even when you don’t like a person, place, or thing.
Take responsibility for your happiness. BK encourages us to take responsibility for our happiness and not rely on external circumstances or other people for our well-being. This involves recognizing that our thoughts and beliefs create our reality and that we can change them.
Practice self-inquiry consistently. In other words, observe yourself. The book emphasizes the importance of regularly practicing and incorporating The Work into our daily lives. By constantly questioning and observing our thoughts and beliefs, we can develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and experience greater peace and freedom.
In conclusion, the power of "I love you" cannot be underestimated. It is a phrase that carries immense significance and can transform our relationships and our lives. Saying "I love you" takes courage, as it requires vulnerability and openness. Yet, it is through practicing love, both for ourselves and others, that we can truly find peace and acceptance.
Byron Katie's book, "Loving What Is," offers valuable insights and practical tools for embracing love. We can uncover the truth and alleviate suffering through self-inquiry and questioning our thoughts and beliefs. Embracing reality as it is, taking responsibility for our happiness, and consistently practicing self-inquiry are essential steps toward loving what is.
When we learn to love what we hate, choose love over anger, and embrace all that life presents to us with an open heart, we discover a profound sense of freedom and joy. Love becomes the guiding force that transcends barriers and leads us to acceptance and understanding.
So, let us continue to say "I love you" to ourselves and those around us. Let us practice love in every situation, even when it seems challenging. With love as our compass, we can navigate life's ups and downs, transforming ourselves and our world.
As Maya Angelou beautifully said, "Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope."
In the end, it is through love that we find true liberation. May we always choose love and experience the boundless beauty it brings to our lives.